Yesterday I accidentally went bra shopping. While taking a shortcut through the Target lingerie department to get to electronics, I couldn’t help but chuckle at a tag that caught my eye.
I’ve never needed a “power bra” before. What, exactly does that mean? If I needed to fight someone using my boobs, is this the bra I should wear? Or does power mean that it has its own generator?
I became so intrigued with reading all the different bra features and benefits that I completely forgot about going to electronics to buy my nephew a birthday gift.
Sorry, Tom. you’re not getting anything from Aunt Angela this year because she forgot to take her ADD meds and spent two hours reading about power bras.
“First we’ll go up and then we’ll go in….On three, Boys. 1-2-3 LIFT!”
I’ve never had a bra offer me a deal before. It’s the “negotiating bra.” (Made by the same company as the power bra.)
I’ve always wondered what happens at the end of 18 hours. Does the bra self destruct? Is it like a Cinderella thing where I’d look at my watch and say “Oh crap! I’ve got to get home in seven minutes or my bra will explode!” Fears like these keep me from buying one.
It’s one of those high impact fighting bras. Packs a Double D punch. Is this what Ronda Rousey wears?
A Smart Bra. Now that’s something we could use. I want one with GPS and Siri. Or a camera bra! “Ok, guys. Look at my boobs and say ‘cheese’!”
Well I darn sure hope it lifts from underneath. It’d be pretty painful and ineffective to try to lift from above…unless you were using tongs.
When reading some of these, I kept thinking “no wonder men think we’re crazy.” On the next few photos, try to imagine how your husband, boyfriend or brother would interpret the tags.
It’s not? This is the darndest case of denial we’ve ever seen.
Funny shapes? Like trapezoids? Or balloon animals?
Cooling Comfort? I don’t ever recall having a case of the hot boobs. I guess if this is a smart bra, each cup will have a little fan that automatically comes on when your cleavage reaches a certain temperature. Or maybe each cup has its own thermostat you can set. But then the thing would probably break down in the middle of summer and you’d have to find an HVAC guy who specializes in bras.
For those of us who don’t just have breasts in the front.
Wouldn’t it be funny if bras really did have side effects? “Do not drink alcohol or operate machinery while wearing the Warner’s Full Coverage bra.”
Not too high. Not too low. Not too conservative. Not too liberal.
“I told you to STAY THERE. Don’t make me get my power band!”
“Everyone knew not to mess with Amy when she was wearing her Lily of France Bra….” Or maybe this bra is for women with ADD.
I hope it’s not styrofoam. A bra filled with packing peanuts would be sort of lumpy.
Does anyone else read this and immediately flash back to Mommie Dearest, the part where she flips out about the clothes hangers?
I feel sort of weird about calling my boobs “girls.” Like they’re people you hire to work as your breasts. “Karen and Jessica are doing a great job today.” “….I thought Nicole was one of your boobs.”….”Oh, she was, but unfortunately I had to let her go because of her sagging performance.”
I think headlights should be for boobs too. Think of all the times when it’d be helpful to have a set of headlights in your bra. Like walking through a dark parking lot when you can’t find your keys. And now that it’s getting darker earlier, I could still go on my evening walks. I guess you’d have to have a dimmer switch for when you met other women wearing headlight bras…so you don’t blind each other.
Back Fat sounds like a rapper’s name. “Everyone was shocked when Back Fat was eliminated in the semifinals on American Idol.”
NO MORE UNDERARM BULGE!!! This bra label doubles as a picket sign for when you decide to take on Washington.
I swear we have a tube of bungee cords in the garage with the exact same label.
A Balconette? Is that like a balcony for your boobs? Do they sit up there like royalty waving at the commoners below?
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But wait! There’s more!
Okay, there’s really not more. I just always wanted to say that.