This isn’t directed at anyone in particular. Quit being so sensitive.
If you’ve been involved with youth sports longer than 38 seconds, then you’ve probably been in the company of a SPID or two at some point.
Sports Parent-In-Denial: A mom or dad who refuses under any circumstances to accept, acknowledge or even entertain the hypothetical notion that their kid isn’t perfect. They’ll go to great lengths to distort reality, make excuses and/or blame others for any perceived shortcoming displayed by their child. SPIDs can often be observed hopping from team to team, arguing with coaches, bragging loudly about their kids’ latest accomplishments and occasionally storming to their vehicles in a huff. SPIDs challenge the coach’s roster and batting lineup any time their kid isn’t getting the position and playing time he/she “deserves.” SPIDs are the leading cause of stress ulcers and alcoholism in adults who work with children. If your team is suffering from the effects of a SPID, don’t worry. Like a virus, they’ll soon be moving on to a new victim, er..team.
According to a fabricated study, SPIDs make up only around six percent of the sports parent population. Standing up for your child in rare instances of unfairness doesn’t automatically make you a SPID.
However, if you’re concerned that you might be a SPID or have SPID tendencies, take this insightful quiz to find out. Or just ask the other parents on your kid’s team.
1) During a night game, while playing short stop, your 12-year-old son doesn’t get his glove down in time and lets a ground ball hop right past him…for the fifth time…that inning. You:
a. Exclaim loudly that the sun was probably in his eyes.
b. Blame the pitcher/third baseman/second baseman/center fielder/global warming/Common Core/The Russians.
c. Pull the coach aside and let him know that he hasn’t spent enough time going over tricky plays like this with the boys. So your kid’s error was really his fault.
d. Wait until after the game ends and then ask the coach what you can work on with your son to help him scoop those ground balls.
2) Your daughter mouths off at the umpire after he calls strike three on her. You:
a. Laugh, shrug your shoulders and exclaim “She’s sassy just like her mama.”
b. Move your chair right behind home plate and spend the rest of the game loudly criticizing the umpire’s incompetence.
c. Offer to buy your daughter a new phone to cheer her up.
d. Explain sternly to your daughter that you don’t tolerate sassing an umpire, no matter how blind he is. Then have her apologize to him.
3) Your son has always been the best hitter on his team. Unfortunately, he’s been in a frustrating slump for the past three weeks. The coach has moved him down in the line-up from third to sixth. You:
a. Arrange for your son to pick up with a different team the following weekend so he’ll miss his regular team’s tournament. That’ll teach the coach a lesson.
b. Tell your son and the other parents what an idiot the coach is for moving him out of the three spot. And make sure that your son repeats it to the other players.
c. Write posts on social media talking trash about your son’s coach and the parents of the kids who are ahead of your son in the line up.
d. Take it in stride. Slumps happen. The coach has gotta do what he’s gotta do.
4) In spite of the coach’s “no swimming on game days rule,” you let your daughter go to her friend’s pool party before a Friday night playoff game. And “oops,” someone posted a photo on Facebook of your daughter flipping off the diving board, which the coach sees. As punishment for breaking the rule, he benches her, as he has several other team members for the same reason. You:
a. Grab your daughter and leave. No kid of yours is gonna ride the pine.
b. Add this to your list of evidence that the coach hates your daughter. He’s just jealous because his daughter can’t throw strikes.
c. Immediately unfriend the person who posted the photo. You know she did it on purpose just to make you look bad, in spite of the fact that it was one of fifty photos she uploaded.
d. Feel stupid for letting the girls talk you into breaking the “no swimming rule.” You’ve all learned a good lesson about consequences today.
Mostly D’s – No worries. You’re good. Keep up the humility!
Anything Else – Knock that crap off! Your kid isn’t a deity and neither are you.