Just wow! This is the first Ask TBP question I’ve received that caused my jaw to drop. Let’s see what our panelists had to say about it.
How should I deal with my daughter’s softball coach’s wife being too “friendly” with all the dads on the team? It’s more and more noticeable over the past few months. I’m not imagining this because other moms notice it too. And the way she dresses makes me uncomfortable. My daughter LOVES her softball team and the coach is awesome! We feel blessed to be a part of the team. But his wife needs to get a clue. How do I do this without causing World War Three? (Not that it’s relevant, but the daughter is just like her mom. Better keep your teenage sons away!) ——On the verge of a cat fight.
Travel Ball Parents neither endorses nor opposes any of the responses below. We’re staying waaaaaay out of this one.
Is she hot? Just kidding.
Confronting her directly might start WWIII. She may not realize her actions are making other parents uncomfortable. Maybe she is just friendly, and isn’t trying to steal your husband(s).
It sounds as if she is insecure and over compensating, begging for attention. Perhaps the husbands should not give her the time of day and then this will resolve itself. I am curious if her husband is aware of this behavior – maybe she is trying to make him jealous.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as far as the daughter goes – and she will earn a reputation for herself. —–Dan Schillaci, travel team coach and dad, Pleasanton, CA
Wow, that’s a new one on me. As long as my husband is not her radar, I wouldn’t say anything. Sounds like she is just seeking attention, who knows what is goin on at home.
—–Cindy Costa, baseball mom, Turlock, CA
In the end, you can’t control the behavior of others. Unhealthy boundaries and inappropriate behavior is something you will always experience in life. It’s a great thing to use as a teaching example. You and your husband may want to discuss the behaviors of the mom and daughter, and then very tactfully bring it up with your daughter. Explain that while we often have to work with or show respect others, they sometimes have behaviors that prevent us from forming close relationships with them. Explain that the “overly-friendly” behavior and the “slightly promiscuous” clothing are something you consider inappropriate as a family, and not something you want to see her engage in. Explain that later in life she may experience this with other girls and women – be sure to date the guy who avoids these girls, just like Daddy avoids the “overly friendly” behaviors of Mrs. Bazonga.
If this is truly upsetting and you are beyond getting past it – then move to another team. After all, we use sports to teach life lessons to our children. Why not use this as an opportunity to teach moral boundaries?
We have left baseball teams for the following reasons:
1. Coaches who will put up with wretched behavior from players simply because they can hit home runs
2. Parents and coaches who curse and lose control repeatedly
3. Parents who treat their children in borderline abusive ways when they make bad plays
Ask yourself, “Is this behavior too much to continue on this team”? If so, explain it to your daughter and take the moral high road – goodness knows we need more examples like that for our children in these times and no team is worth compromising your values.
If none of these work for you, then you could go this route:
Walk by the mom and say, “Hey, we took up a collection. The coach has done so much for us, and we wanted to offer this monetary thank you so you can buy some of your own clothes and stop wearing your daughter’s stuff. You deserve clothes that fit”…
The next time she hangs on your husband, hand her a cane “I’ve noticed you have difficulty standing on your own, here’s something appropriate to lean on”….
Any of these will work too! 🙂 But then were back to that setting examples thing….—–Stephanie Boarman, baseball mom, Chesterfield, VA
I wouldn’t touch this with a 10 ft pole. If you say anything, the coach will side with his wife the same way your husband would side with you. This will cause issues, drama and static in the team. I do not see anything good coming out of addressing this besides to get it off your chest. I would just have the husbands stay clear of her and maybe it will become noticeable to her.
—–Jessica Perry, baseball mom, Tampa, FL
Ask to speak to her privately. While alone, grab her hand. If possible put your hand on her thigh. Look her dead in the eyes and say: “It’s not considered cheating if you’re with another woman.”
Assuming that’s not her thing. She will avoid you and your husband as much as possible. —–Alton Mercer, softball dad, pro-wrestler, Madison, GA
The only dad you have the right to be bothered about is your own husband. If her behavior towards your husband makes you uncomfortable, or you feel it is inappropriate, you should address it head on with her. It doesn’t have to be nasty or accusatory, but it needs to be honest. A simple “It makes me uncomfortable when you ….” should do the trick. You need specific examples. Make sure you do it privately. And don’t bring anyone else in to it. If they have a problem, it is up to them to address it. A lot of times we think we have allies, but they don’t really want to be involved. And if you drop their names without their prior knowledge and consent, you may end up all alone on an island. I would also let your husband know your intentions.—–Danielle Wheeler, baseball mom, Glen Allen, VA
This is tricky (fitting for Halloween and nearly as scary)! It’s hard to give advice on this question without asking a few of my own. Are the dads just as uncomfortable as the moms on this team? Do they give her attention because she flirts, which may encourage the behavior? Is this issue of enough concern to make you want to quit the team or make it difficult for you to continue with the team? If all the dads on the team steer clear of the wife and her flirtations, maybe she will figure it out. I’m not going to comment or judge what she wears or its appropriateness. What she wears is her choice – deal with it. I’m sure her husband likes it. I honestly would advise the dads to step up to the plate on this one. If the dads are not comfortable with the friendliness of the coach’s wife, then they should address it in the most respectful way possible. —–Catherine Wrighter, high school volleyball coach, sports mom, Lexington, SC
Most likely it’s just her personality. Do not make her insecurities your insecurities. If she dressed down and looked differently but acted the same would you still consider it an issue?
—–Thomas Hall, travel/rec team coach, asst director, Chesterfield, VA
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