By popular demand, here are 10 baseball dad stereotypes that we all know and love. Be it tee-ball, Little League All-Stars, or a AAA travel team, we’re sure you know at least a couple of these guys.
DISCLAIMER (Before you decide to get offended): We’re not saying that every dad falls into one of these stereotypes. Most of them don’t. This article is just for fun. Don’t take it too seriously. Ya know, laugh a little.
1) Mr. Record Keeper-Boy do we love this guy! If it weren’t for him, the other parents might actually have to remember stuff. What’s the slaughter rule for 10-U Little League games? Are base runners allowed steal home at this age? What’s the maximum bat barrel diameter allowed in Pony League All-Stars? Just ask Mr. Record Keeper. He knows. While many of us struggle to recall the names of our teams’ assistant coaches, Mr. RK can tell you how many strikes the opposing team’s starting pitcher threw… in a pool play game six months ago. He’s sort of like Rain Man, but with better social skills and clothing selections.
2) The Bleacher Coach– This dad can be
seen heard throughout the entire sports complex county, bellowing super helpful advice to his kid, your kid, the coaches, the umpires, the grounds crew, the port-o-potty custodians and occasionally Jesus H. Christ. It’s a good thing though, because no one would ever think of his brilliant suggestions… such as “THROW THE DAMN BALL!” “SHAKE IT OFF!!!” and “JUST THROW STRIKES!” on their own. About midway through the game, his wife will threaten to leave him if he doesn’t shut his freakin’ mouth. As annoying as Bleacher Coach is, you know he means well. If only he’d buy the rest of us earplugs.
3) Doctor Dad-(He’s often married to Nurse Mom) This saint of a guy, with the patience of Job, may look and act like any average dad and he wants to be treated as such. But let a kid twist an ankle or scrape an elbow and Dr. Dad is sought after like a base runner in a pickle. This father could be an obgyn or a psychiatrist in real life. Or he may just have the last name “Doctor.” But to every parent on the team, his specialty is sports medicine. And if their kid gets hurt, well by gosh, Dr. Dad better hustle his behind out onto that field and act like he knows what he’s doing.
4) Mr. Living Vicariously-No one realizes it yet, but this guy’s kid will be the first 13 year old called up to the majors in MLB history. Thanks to his 24/7 coaching. Each time his kid steps into the batter’s box is a life or death moment for Mr. Vicariously’s ego. He gets so wrought up, pacing back and forth and barking instructions at Junior, that other parents have contemplated bringing a tranquilizer gun to tournaments “just in case.” When his son plays outfield, you’ll see Mr. Vicariously loitering along the fence behind center field. And if his son doesn’t get as much playing time as another kid, the coach is gonna get an ear full. We all will.
5) Mr. Anger Management – This dad has been banned from many of the youth ballparks in town, thanks to unfortunate instances where everyone “overreacted” and he wound up getting arrested…again. He can be a pretty likable guy as long as the umpire, coaches and other parents haven’t done something to “piss him off.” But that only lasts for about ten minutes before the game starts. And speaking of umpires, every single official who has ever stepped behind home plate is being paid off by the opposing team (according to him). He’d even accuse King Solomon of “home cooking.” The only thing more entertaining than Mr. Anger Management starting a brawl is when his “ex” shows up at a game, violating her restraining order. Then the real fireworks start.
6) Mr. Midlife Crisis – This likely divorced dad rolls into the ballpark with his Corvette top down and his shirt unbuttoned, usually after the first inning. The other team parents know all about his beach-front home in the Bahamas and the Piper Tomahawk he pilots to get there….because he makes at least seven references to them per game. Mr. Midlife Crisis can easily be identified in a crowd by his Crayola bronze tan and his visor with the Pebble Beach logo. (Ya know, he plays golf there all the time.)
7) MVP 20 Years Ago – This guy genuinely loves the game of baseball and secretly wishes he was still 12 years old. While he doesn’t try to force his love of the game onto his kids, MVP knows that the more children he and his wife have, the more likely one of them will wind up in the majors. Therefore he usually has anywhere from three to eight sons plus a few daughters, causing people to assume he’s Morman…or a Duggar. Mr. MVP is always coaching at least one of his kids’ teams and enjoys every minute of it.
8) The Not-Into-Sports Dad-You can tell this dad by his pasty white skin, plaid shorts, 20-year-old Merrell hiking shoes and sun hat with a neck shield. He loves his kid to pieces and wouldn’t miss a game, even though his own sports career ended with second grade kickball. While other parents are arguing about the legitimacy of the infield fly rule, Not-Into-Sports-Dad points out that the IFR was first introduced by the National League in 1895. While we may laugh about this father’s lack of athletic ability, we wouldn’t dare challenge him to a game of Chess.
9) Mr. “My Wife Wears the Pants”-This shell of a human being would probably be a cool guy if he could escape his overbearing wife’s control. As it is, he enjoys his kid’s games without having to make any decisions because his wife doesn’t trust him to even dress himself or visit the concession stand unsupervised. She talks to him like he’s a five year old and hijacks any advice he tries to give his player. Other team dads would pay good money to see him put her in her place. But they know he doesn’t have the balls to do it. Because she keeps them in her purse.
10) The Gossip-Anyone who thinks that women are the only ones interested in other people’s business obviously doesn’t have this dad on their team. While not a coach himself, Mr. Gossip strategically becomes BFF’s with all his kids’ coaches and texts more than the average 15 year old girl. But he has to. It’s the most efficient way to let the Cyclones’ coach know that his star player was seen yesterday at batting practice with the Red Hawks. And to find out why Mr. Living Vicariously’s son made 13U all-stars when three boys with higher batting averages didn’t. Mr. Gossip means no harm. He’s actually a great guy…just very interested in the soap opera that is travel baseball.
Know any other team dad stereotypes? Please share them in the comments. I can’t wait to read your input.
For more humor writing you can relate to, download the author’s latest ebook, Just Kidding, Not Really. It’s perfect reading for in between tournament games or in the bathroom.