*If any descriptions in this post happen to bear resemblance to anyone we know personally, it’s purely coincidental. I promise.
I’ve been a baseball mom for ten whole years now. Including rec ball, little league, all-stars and travel ball, we’ve been a part of 29 different teams. (That’s just a ballpark figure. lol. Sorry, I can’t resist a good pun.) No matter what state we’re in and what age our kids are, every team has at least one or two of the 10 stereotypes I’ve listed below. Some of them are awesome and essential to the team. Others are….well, they make for good blogging.
1) Mrs. Long Lens – She’s the one with a camera. Not just any camera, though. This one has a zoom lens that’s strong enough to snap a close-up photograph of the right fielder’s index finger in his nose…at a baseball game three counties away. While we’re sitting on our behinds, fanning gnats and critiquing the umpires, she spends her time taking professional quality photos, not just of her own kid, but of all the players. She captures those incredible plays at the plate and the look on your kid’s face when he realizes his hit is headed over the fence. And then this jewel of a woman posts all 533,897 photos on Facebook for parents to download a few hours later. If there’s a mom like this on your team, be extra nice to her. Bring her chocolate and frozen drinks. She’s definitely a keeper.
2) Howler Mom aka Apache Scream Mom aka “Wish She Had a Mute Button” Mom – Somewhere deep in the mechanics of this woman’s larynx is a built-in microphone with fully charged batteries. To say that’s she’s a tad vocal is the understatement of the season. People from miles away can hear her yelling at her son, your son, the umpires, the coaches, the concession stand workers, the grounds crew and occasionally God. It’s no wonder her husband is usually drunk. Her vocal contributions aren’t limited to words. She chants, screams, hollers and shouts often unintelligibly, depending on the score of the game. Once in a while you catch yourself wondering if her husband wears earplugs during sex. Oh, she also feels the need to coach every kid on the team, barking instructions loud enough to drown out the coach and confuse the poor players.
3) ADD Mom – She shows up on the wrong day for practice or forgets it altogether. She takes her kid to the wrong field, dresses him in the wrong uniform, forgets drinks and snacks, etc and is usually on her phone during announcements. During games, someone has to nudge her away from her deep conversation about TJ Maxx’s shoe department, to point out that her kid is at bat. At first you feel sorry for her because she has so much on her plate and seems so frazzled. But after two years of that crap and realizing that she’s no busier than the rest of us, you just accept her as she is and bring extra drinks and snacks for her son.
4) Mrs. Bag O’ Everything – Your kid forget his uniform belt? She’s got one. Need a soldering iron? Yep, she’s got that too. An extra glass eye? Sure! In fact, the bag this woman carries to the ball field is large enough to double as a carport. She could perform outpatient surgery with the extensive contents of her first aid kit. If she’d been with Jesus in Matthew 14, he wouldn’t have had to multiply the loaves and fishes to feed 5,000 because she’d already be carrying enough for everyone. God bless this mom, although we can’t help but be a tiny bit freaked out by how prepared she ALWAYS is.
5) Mrs. “Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t.”– Yeah, she’s got a problem with it. No matter what it is. If the kids are wearing gray pants, she’ll complain that they should be wearing white. If the tournament’s nearby, she’ll comment that the team needs to travel to face better competition. She’s never satisfied with any idea the coaches and parents have, but refuses to offer alternatives. She usually loves to talk baseball and about the team. She has conspiracy theories galore. If this team mom is making your life miserable, don’t worry. She’ll get mad and move her kid to a new team soon. Poor kid.
6) Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde – We love this mom like 90% of the time. She’s charming, quiet, gentle and down-to-earth. And she’ll do anything in the world to help you out. But no matter how long you’ve known her, you still feel like you don’t quite know her. Every so often, during a game, this mom will shed her sweetness and turn into a stark, raving, overly competitive psychopath, screaming death threats at the poor nine-year-olds on the opposing team. Seven seconds later, Mrs. Hyde is back to Dr. Jekyll again, continuing her bleacher conversation about the Baptist church’s prayer shawl ministry, while the rest of the parents are still stunned by her “episode.”
7) Mrs. Never There – You’re not sure if you’d even recognize her because she’s hardly ever around. And when she does show up, it’s never for an entire game. She doesn’t know any of the other parents and doesn’t care to. A high ranking company VP who is working on her pilot’s license and training for an Iron Girl competition, this life is all about her. Her poor kid’s ballgames fall on the priority list somewhere between pap smears and estate planning.
8) Pinterest Mom – I love this mom because I’m such a failure as a baker and crafter. She designs special team t-shirts for the parents and younger siblings. Bakes cakes for the players’ birthdays and brings them to the ballpark along with special birthday plates and napkins. On any given tournament Saturday, she was probably up til 2 a.m. the night before, making special treats for each team member. You sort of want to dislike her because she makes you feel like a slacker. But then she’s so darn genuinely nice! How could anyone not like her?
9) Madame Control Freak – No one’s really sure who made her Queen, but make no mistake, this woman is in charge! From jersey logos to hotel reservations, it’s her way or the highway. Don’t dare to disagree with her or you. will. regret. it. It’s also a very bad idea to commiserate with another mom about what a bully this woman is. She has a well-paid team of moles. Get on her good side and stay there. And honestly, her ideas usually turn out to be the best anyway, as much as we hate to admit it.
10) Miss America – She’s younger than you, prettier than you, skinnier than you, has bigger boobs than you and cuter clothes than you. You want to hate her, but on top of her beauty, she’s nice and down to earth and funny and self-deprecating…and a great mom. You’d give your left arm to find just one thing wrong with her. But you can’t. Because nothing is.
Did I leave out any team mom stereotypes? Please comment and let me know. I’d love to write a volume two post.
Download the author’s latest humor ebook, Just Kidding, Not Really, perfect reading between tournament games or in the bathroom.